My blog

The Limits of Revision

My recent posts about the narrative self have generated some interesting conversation about the philosophical underpinnings of my approach to the narrative self. In “Mosaics and Bundles,” I quipped that the narrative self is “self-assembling,” to make the larger point that we are capable of self-reflective growth — which means we can revise. And if […]

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Philosophy and the Narrative Self

The term “narrative self” refers to the idea that the sense of the self is mediated through narrative. In other words, you experience your “self,” your identity, through the stories that you tell about who you are. That collection of narratives includes stories you have told about your own abilities and experiences, but also stories […]

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Parenting primates

If you talk to parents about parenting, you’ll hear many of them express this sentiment: The biological imperative to love your offspring is what enables many children to survive childhood. When primates are small and mostly helpless, biologically-induced love works reasonably well, but many parents struggle with the relationship after the helpless (and cute) stage. […]

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Three Relationship Myths

In my practice, I’ve worked with people whose relationships aren’t going so well. Time and again, some of these difficulties are caused by beliefs about relationships. Here are three common relationship myths and what to do about them. Myth #1: Relationships happen spontaneously The belief that you’ll be walking along one day and the heavens […]

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Power Exchange: start here

I’m often asked about the difference between D/s, M/s, and O/p relationships, frequently with an added comment like, “They’re basically the same thing, right?” Or “ Isn’t it just a question of degree?” As is the case with many “straightforward“ questions, these are surprisingly complex issues. For one thing, in the real world of BDSM […]

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A reflection

Dear friends of Live Your Virtue: I’ve struggled with the news of the verdict in Derek Chauvin’s trial, and, if you’ll forgive me for posting a personal message, I’d like to share some reflections with you. This verdict will be greeted in many ways by different communities and people. It is, no doubt, a milestone for many, a symbol of a long-unfulfilled promise of […]

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Expectations: a moral tale

When I was training as a psychotherapist, my supervisor (an M.D. psychoanalyst) told me an interesting tale: Researchers had a group of psychoanalysts and psychiatrists review histories and perform diagnostic interviews for every member of the first-year class at a famous medical school. They rendered a diagnosis, where appropriate, and noted the prognosis. Researchers followed […]

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The Universal Solvent

When I was a naïve, novice psychotherapist, I had the good fortune of a psych hospital’s support to attend professional conventions, partly to learn, and partly to represent the hospital. I remember my first psychoanalytic convention: I was thrilled to sit in the presence of famous psychoanalysts, soaking up their wisdom. I was at just […]

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