In my practice, I’ve worked with people whose relationships aren’t going so well. Time and again, some of these difficulties are caused by beliefs about relationships. Here are three common relationship myths and what to do about them.

Myth #1: Relationships happen spontaneously

The belief that you’ll be walking along one day and the heavens will open and a relationship will float down and land on you and you’ll live happily ever after with your partner is one of the most destructive and seductive myths about relationships. It may be true that lust happens spontaneously, and it’s certainly true that that little spark of interest might just appear out of nowhere, but if you want to move beyond a pleasant fantasy into a real relationship, you’re going to have to invest some time and effort.

Think about relationship maintenance as hygiene: No one seriously thinks that once you brush your teeth, you’re set for life, dental health-wise. So why should we apply this fantasy to relationships? Each relationship is, in a way, a living being, and it takes nurturing and care to thrive. Relationships need a steady diet of good communication and shared experiences, among other things.

But there’s a deeper problem with this myth. Each of us has expectations built into our image of a relationship. The problem with believing that relationships “just happen” is that the relationship that’s just happening to you may not be the relationship that’s happening to your partner. Each of you may have unspoken but assumed expectations of the relationship, and when those expectations don’t happen to line up, then there’s the potential for conflict and resentment to build.

Now let’s have a little dose of reality. Believing that someone must share your relationship expectations because they happen to be in a relationship with you is like believing that someone in line with you at the grocery store. must share your taste in music. What are the odds? So, how do we know that our expectations match? By talking about them — which brings us to:

Myth #2: Talking about your relationship is a downer

When I advise people to discuss expectations in advance of getting deeper into a new relationship, a lot of people push back and say that talking takes the “magic” out of the relationship. While I see the point to some extent, agreeing in advance on some basic expectations doesn’t seem to take the “magic” out of chess or football. Picture a match in which the players each turned up with their own set of rules and then just leapt into the game. Before long, they’ll be trying to figure out what is going on. The same lesson applies in relationships.

People sometimes confuse a healthy negotiation of expectations at a particular point in a relationship with Planning the Future, Forever and Ever, Amen. That’s not what I mean, and in general, trying to plan a future before there is a future to plan isn’t a good use of your together time.

It can be scary to have this sort of discussion, mainly because we aren’t exposed to these discussions in the popular images of how relationships are supposed to unfold. But don’t let a little fear hold you back. Here’s how you can face the challenge:

Think about your anxieties about the growing relationship. Does my partner share my interests and worldview? Does my partner feel the same about me? How are we going to decide who does the dishes? From the sublime to the trivial, we have concerns about how things are going to go. Talking about what we would like in a relationship, especially with an eye on negotiating some shared likes, is a very good way to reduce those anxieties. And reducing those nagging little worries releases energy that you can invest in what makes the relationship energizing to you. In other words, there’s a return on your investment in overcoming the challenges of deliberating together about the relationship.

And incidentally, that sort of deliberation, like teeth-brushing, is also not a one-time fix. Relationships grow and change, and conflict is inevitable unless you’re in a relationship with a robot made to your specifications. (And now that I think of it, unless you aren’t growing, you’ll soon outgrow a robot made to your specifications, too.)

Revisiting your current needs and expectations from time to time (but regularly!) is a good way to help the relationship grow with you and your partner. Healthy relationships tend to encourage growth, too, so regular deliberation is a win for you, your partner, and the relationship you’re building. Yes, it is possible that you may “grow apart.” This topic deserves its own post (or book), but let me point out a basic truth: Letting anxiety about losing a relationship guide the way you establish and nurture the relationship is like having a dog and not feeding it because it might use that energy to jump the fence. In the world of living things, there’s coming to be, and there’s ending. You can’t have life without both.

Myth #3: Work on relationships when there are problems

This is like saying that you should only do routine maintenance on your car once you’re broken down on the side of the road. Of course, when you discover that your relationship is suffering, you should do something, but my point is, don’t wait for a crisis to brew up. Invest consistently over time, as we discussed above, and you can improve your relationship’s ability to weather conflict when it does arise.

Relationship hygiene is really about learning and applying a set of skills. Some come naturally, but some need to be learned and practiced — which is why you see other primates grooming each other, but not with beard trimmers. There are some great resources for learning relationship skills. Don’t be afraid to open yourself a bit and take a risk. If you need a hand, you have options. As is the case with most everything, do your homework and above all, do your own thinking. If you need a little coaching, I’m here for you — plus I happen to know a love and relationship coach who’s standing by to help you. Just say the word!