If you talk to parents about parenting, you’ll hear many of them express this sentiment: The biological imperative to love your offspring is what enables many children to survive childhood. When primates are small and mostly helpless, biologically-induced love works reasonably well, but many parents struggle with the relationship after the helpless (and cute) stage. Is that initial animal impulse enough?

Let’s take a moment to apply some philosophy to parent/child relationships. Like it or not, we are rational animals — which means we are animals capable of reasoning. Having a capacity doesn’t mean we will exercise it. As I frequently joke, I’m capable of hurrying, but for the most part I choose not to. But if we look at the parenting arrangement from the perspective of reason, the biological tendency to bond and care for human children works well as long as they need it. When they no longer need that sort of parental care, it’s time to transition to another kind of relationship.

And that’s the challenge. When a child is small, parents have a lot of influence over the arena of growth: what to eat, what to wear, when to nap, sleep, etc. Yes, Nature has the upper hand — peeing and pooping, for instance — but for the most part parents can fool themselves into believing they are in control. As a child develops more independence and greater means of self-expression — and we’re not just talking language: Have you ever witnessed a toddler sending a message by throwing toys or pooping on the couch? — the fantasy of control is increasingly challenged, and those are early signs that a different relationship is needed.

Of course, human offspring do need many years of “parent-assisted independence,” but if children are to achieve a state of functional maturity, parents must find a way to transition from “control” (however illusory it may be) to something else. The problem is, What?

The concept of excellencifying provides some help. If we embrace the idea that the best kind of human life is one rich with excellences pursued in community, then the parent/child relationship needs to evolve toward that kind of community. In this sense, the relationship is akin to friendship. But a word of caution: I am not saying parents should be their child’s friend or peer. Children need parents as well as friends and peers. Rather, the work “akin” suggests that the relationship moves toward a kind of partnership around the pursuit of excellences that we find in the best kind of friendship.

Let’s look at some examples. When a child is young, parents may choose the activities the child pursues: piano lessons, or soccer, or ballet — as well as conditions for health, like eating veggies and getting the occasional shot at the doctor’s office. As a child matures, that child’s particular personality increasingly asserts itself. How many parents have lamented that their child is “so talented at x and after y years of lessons, they just won’t keep it up”? If you think of that child as a controllable extension of yourself, then this is a surprise and a disappointment. But if you think of your parenting job as equipping that child to create their own life of excellences, then you see their choices as a central part of the process of growing up. And instead of trying to overpower them, you provide support and guidance for the lives they want to create for themselves.

We have a convenient word for this sort of attitude toward another human being: Respect.

We’ve all internalized the notion that we ought to respect and obey our parents, and that’s fine as far as it goes. (That topic deserves a discussion of its own — but not today.) But what would you call the attitude of accepting another human being’s independence and autonomy and right to pursue their own life — even if you had a hand in the biological process of producing it? Let’s go with respect.

Now think about excellencifying: Suppose I could hook you up to a machine that temporarily allows me to control your body, including exquisite control of the muscles in your arms and hands. I cause you to pick up a viola and play some Brahms. Does that count toward your own pursuit of excellence? What if you didn’t want to play viola? Or you wanted to, but meant to play Bach? And what happens to your “excellence” when I disconnect you from my machine?

The point of this far-fetched analogy is that relying only on the biological imperative to love your child means you may well do everything in your power to arrange their life so as to avoid pain or fulfill your goals for them, but in doing so you miss opportunities to encourage the child toward managing their own life of excellencifying. In a word, the relationship is lacking in respect for the child. It lacks acceptance of them, not just as a child, but as a fellow human being.

This is a lot easier said than done. Most parents I know don’t intend to keep running their children’s lives. They just get used to feeding time and diapers and forget to stop. Children try to let adults know about the shifting balance of dependence by asserting their autonomy, and the excellencifying parent has to learn the subtle art of telling the difference between asserting autonomy and being a little shit — made even more difficult by the fact that being a little shit often is an assertion of autonomy.

Here’s a little philosophical trick that might help: If you’re the parent of a little primate prone to asserting autonomy, ask yourself what the assertion is against: Is it rebellion against social norms? The laws of nature? Or is it rejecting your preferences and goals? (You know, like, “If you played the piano every day, you’d be able to play like Uncle M.”) If the answer is the last item in the quiz, you’re probably overdue for a little introspection about your relationship.

What about the child (of whatever age) who is making bad decisions? There are indeed limits to autonomy, and this is a genuine challenge. A person committed to a life of excellence wouldn’t stand by and let a fellow human do something self-destructive, right? But such a person might also be reluctant to trespass into another person’s autonomy, too. There situations tend to be complicated and nuanced, and this is why the so-called “doctrine of the mean” is such good advice: There’s no easy formula for too little or too much intrusion. For now, let’s say that keeping an eye on the kind of life we’re talking about is our goal — whatever that might mean for the individuals involved — and the means is going to require a lot of deliberation (and self-awareness).

A life committed to excellencifying can give us direction in all our relationships, and the unique bond of parenting is no different. As with every other relationship, there are two elements to manage: the animal part and the rational part — squared, because there are two whole rational animals to consider. Unlike our lower animal cousins, Nature gave us the capacity to reason, and in doing so placed our destiny in our own hands — even when it comes to offspring.

While I believe that the concept of excellencifying is therapeutic, I don’t want anyone to think this perspective is a substitute for therapy. If you and your children are experiencing serious conflict, it could be a sign that you need a mental health professional — and I strongly encourage you to follow up. Doing what is needed in any particular situation is also part of excellencifying: Excellence is not putting a bandaid on appendicitis.

But if you’re interested in thinking about parenting as part of a philosophy of life, let’s talk.